The Importance of a Strong Foundation and the Roles of Husband and Wife in the Family

Talking about the roles of husband and wife in the household according to Islam can sometimes feel like a long, endless debate.

We get busy demanding our rights, busy wanting recognition, but we forget to set our hearts on the fact that life’s essence is worship and the rules for that worship come from Allah ﷻ, not from our own egos. When ego takes over, a home that should be a peaceful refuge turns into an arena for competing egos and emotional battles.

In reality, the complexity of the roles of husband and wife isn’t because Islam is burdensome. It’s because we often look for the formula in the wrong places. We’re busier following trends, influencers, or what people say than the guidance of Allah ﷻ, which is clearly more stable than human moods.

Allah ﷻ has already promised:

…فَمَن تَبِعَ هُدَاىَ فَلَا خَوْفٌ عَلَيْهِمْ وَلَا هُمْ يَحْزَنُونَ
then whoever follows My guidance shall have no fear on them, nor shall they grieve.” (Quran Surah Al-Baqarah [2]: 38).

So, before we talk at length about the roles of husband and wife in the household according to Islam, we need to reset our foundation. Follow the guidance first, then discuss.

“This is so our home doesn’t just get by, but moves forward with blessings without excessive fear or lingering sadness, because its standard of living was surrendered to Allah ﷻ from the very beginning.”

The Starting Foundation: What is the Goal of Marriage?

Alright, if we’ve agreed to reset and return to the guidance of Allah ﷻ, the first question we must ask ourselves is: What are we actually trying to achieve by getting married?

We often get trapped, thinking marriage is like a corporate merger. What does the husband bring? What does the wife bring? What’s the profit? We end up busy calculating financial contributions.

However, our guidance (shariah) sees the relationship between husband and wife not as a syirkah (business partnership), but more like shuhbah (deep companionship).

Goal 1: Seeking Sakinah (Tranquility)

If the foundation is companionship, then the main goal isn’t material profit, but sakinah (tranquility)

Let’s reflect on this verse from Allah ﷻ:

وَمِنۡ اٰيٰتِهٖۤ اَنۡ خَلَقَ لَكُمۡ مِّنۡ اَنۡفُسِكُمۡ اَزۡوَاجًا لِّتَسۡكُنُوۡۤا اِلَيۡهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيۡنَكُمۡ مَّوَدَّةً وَّرَحۡمَةً
“And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquility (litaskunû) with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts)…” (Quran Surat Ar-Rum [30]: 21).

The keyword there is litaskunu so that we find peace and calm in their presence. So that home becomes a place to share love and compassion. If our goal for marriage is sakinah, then the competing egos and fighting for roles we discussed earlier become irrelevant, right?

Goal 2: Preserving the Next Generation

From this tranquility, the second noble goal is born: preserving our offspring.

Islam views the marital relationship as sacred, its purpose is to protect and preserve the human race . It’s not merely the fulfillment of desires, Western-style, which is free but often empty.

Allah ﷻ says:

وَجَعَلَ لَكُم مِّنْ أَزْوَٰجِكُم بَنِينَ وَحَفَدَةً
“…and He made for you from your wives, sons and grandchildren…” (Quran Surat An-Nahl [16]: 72).

So, the foundation is clear: 1) Seeking tranquility (sakinah), 2) Raising a generation.

If our goal for getting married is different (for example, just to find a successful partner for financial security), it’s no wonder if it feels unstable down the line, right? To achieve these two noble goals, shariah gives us a Justice of Roles. This is where we will discuss the specific roles of husband and wife in the household according to Islam.

The Husband’s Role in Islam: The Qawwam (Leader & Protector)

If the goal of marriage is clear, we now move to the division of roles. Our guidance, the shariah, gives the husband’s role in Islam first and foremost: to be the qawwam (leader). This role is often misunderstood, yet it is the very key to the blessings in a family’s life.

Understanding the Meaning of Qawwam (Leader)

For some modern ears, hearing the word leader might immediately make them defensive. “Whoa, this must be about dominance!”

This is where our standard differs from outside standards. In Islam, leadership (qawwamah) is not about who is the most powerful or who can give orders arbitrarily. Leadership in Islam is about who bears the heaviest responsibility.

Allah ﷻ says:

اَلرِّجَالُ قَوَّامُوۡنَ عَلَى النِّسَآءِ
“Men are the leaders (qawwamûn) for women…” (Quran Surat An-Nisa’ [4]: 34).

What is the proof that this leadership is about responsibility? The verse doesn’t stop there. Let’s read the continuation carefully to see why men are given this trust:

بِمَا فَضَّلَ اللّٰهُ بَعۡضَهُمۡ عَلٰى بَعۡضٍ وَّبِمَاۤ اَنۡفَقُوۡا مِنۡ اَمۡوَالِهِمۡ ؕ
“…because Allah has preferred some of them over others, and because they (men) spend from their wealth.” (Quran Surat An-Nisa’ [4]: 34).

This is strengthened by the words of Rasulullah ﷺ:

كُلُّكُمْ رَاعٍ فَمَسْئُولٌ عَنْ رَعِيَّتِهِ، فَالأَمِيرُ الَّذِي عَلَى النَّاسِ رَاعٍ وَهْوَ مَسْئُولٌ عَنْهُمْ، وَالرَّجُلُ رَاعٍ عَلَى أَهْلِ بَيْتِهِ وَهْوَ مَسْئُولٌ عَنْهُمْ
“…A man is the shepherd (leader) of his household and he is responsible for them…” (Hadits Riwayat Bukhari no. 2554)

Nafaqah is an Absolute Obligation, Not Just “Help”

This is the primary trust (amanah) of a man. This is his core role, to work and ensure his family is provided for. This isn’t a choice, it’s an obligation, and Islam is very firm on this. Meeting nafaqah (financial support) is the husband’s most fundamental duty in the household, and it rests fully and absolutely on his shoulders.

Allah ﷻ says again:

وَعَلَى الۡمَوۡلُوۡدِ لَهٗ رِزۡقُهُنَّ وَكِسۡوَتُهُنَّ بِالۡمَعۡرُوۡفِؕ
“And upon the father is the mother’s sustenance and her clothing, according to what is reasonable (ma’rûf).” (Quran Surat Al-Baqarah [2]: 233).

This responsibility which includes the dowry, food, clothing, and shelter is a heavy trust that he will be questioned about before Allah ﷻ. If a man abandons this role, the household will lose its pillar. And, of course, he earns sin in the sight of Allah ﷻ.

For husbands, this is important to reflect on. If today we still feel great just because we help our wife pay the electric bill, or merely contribute to the groceries (because the wife is also working), perhaps we’ve forgotten to read the guidance.

Remember, nafaqah is not help or a contribution. It is our core duty, and it is obligatory.

The Wife’s Role in Islam (Ummun wa Rabbah al-Bayt)

If the husband is responsible for external affairs (nafaqah), then the wife’s role in the household is a core role that is no less noble: Ummun wa Rabbah al-Bayt (Mother and Manager of the Home).

The Core Role, Ummun wa Rabbah al-Bayt

This isn’t just a housewife. This role is the internal manager, the guardian of civilization, the root of tranquility, and the first and most important school for the next generation.

In Islam, this status is not a career limitation, it is a form of honor. Because her task is so difficult and strategic (educating, forming morals, building Islamic character), the shariah honors women by freeing them from the obligation to earn a living.

Let’s think about it for a moment. If a woman already bears the burden of pregnancy, childbirth, nursing, and educating all of which drain physical and mental energy and then she is also burdened with the obligation to earn a living, wouldn’t that be an injustice against her very nature (fitrah)?

The Ruling on a Wife Working (Permissible, Not Obligatory)

So, the question now is, “Does this mean a woman cannot have a career or business?”

The answer is, a woman is allowed to work. Shariah does not close that door. The default ruling (hukm) for a woman to work is mubah (permissible). A woman may engage in agriculture, trade, a professional career, or be an employee, as long as her work does not contradict shariah, doesn’t sacrifice her primary responsibilities, and she upholds the Islamic manners of social interaction .

But what often gets confused today is the fundamental difference in legal status when it comes to the division of spousal roles:

For the Man: Working to provide nafaqah = OBLIGATION.
For the Woman: Working = PERMISSIBLE.

This means, if a woman chooses (with her own consent and her husband’s permission) to work or run a business, that is her choice. The wealth she earns is 100% hers. The husband’s obligation to provide for her (his nafaqah) is not nullified or reduced one bit.

If a wife willingly helps with the family economy, that is a different matter. That is a form of ihsan (kindness) and sadaqah (charity) for which she receives an additional reward from Allah ﷻ. But this kindness or charity is not an obligation that the husband can demand from her.

Conclusion, The Importance of Spousal Roles in Islam

If we look around, we see many families who are financially successful but emotionally broken. Many businesses expand, but the husband wife relationship shrinks. The truth is, tranquility in the home can never be truly built on Western theories.

That sakinah (tranquility) and barakah (blessing) in sustenance comes when the harmony of spousal roles returns to the boundaries and standards set by Allah ﷻ.

Blessing comes when the man seriously takes up his responsibility of qawwamah, not throwing the financial responsibility onto his wife. And blessing comes when the woman is again honored in her core role as ummun wa rabbah al-bayt, not feeling inferior because she only manages the home, and not feeling forced to work.

This is the beauty of the foundation of roles for husband and wife in Islam. In the end, we need to reflect on one thing:

“A household that is successful according to shariah is one where the husband values his wife’s strategic role at home, and the wife values her husband’s hard struggle outside. Both are noble in the sight of Allah ﷻ based on their taqwa (piety). They both need cooperation, not a competition to swap roles.”

May Allah ﷻ protect our homes, grant us the wisdom to rebuild the trust that may be broken, and open the doors of sakinah in every step we take.

illustration of a married couple of husband and wife are holding hands

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References:

Al-Qur’an. Al-Karim. Accessed from https://quran.com/id/
Al-Bukhari. Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith no. 2554. Accessed from https://sunnah.com/bukhari:2554
An-Nabhani, Taqiyuddin. The Social System in Islam (An-Nizhâm Al-Ijtimâ’î fi Al-Islam).

Devin Halim Wijaya, B.B.A, M.Sc
Independent Sharia Consultant

Instagram: @devinhalimwijaya
Linkedin: @devinhalim